For the reader of my blog this is a posting that you may want to skip. It is mostly a note to myself after a bad dream.
At 4:30am I woke up in a cold sweat and shaking. I must of been having a bad dream or it was a nightmare. I do not know because I can't not remember a thing. I laid in bed for half an hour trying to get back to sleep but my mind and body would not cooperate.
I got up went to the bathroom and decided to read my emails and scan my bloglines list. I sent a email to a friend who is having heart surgery today. He has sent me the warmest and loving emails and handwritten cards the past three months and now I am sending him my wishes and prayers for a safe surgery and speedy recovery.
I know the past few days I have been stressed about my own health, the health and life of another friend, my family and everyday "things". A day does not pass when I do not think about my Mom who passed away almost two years ago and my cousin Gail who passed just over a year ago. I am the oldest living female in my family, at the age of 51 and I almost died in January. Mom and Gail died within a year of each other and I almost died within a year of Gail. I often wonder why not me? How much can one family take? What plans does G-D have for me? What plans do/should I have for myself?
I have this feeling that something really bad is going to happen and I just can not get it out of my mind no matter how hard I try. Most days I feel like I am running in circles and at the end of the day I have very little to show for my time. I have not accomplished or completed any quilting, sewing or craft projects in months. On days when I am having a good day and as evening approaches all hell breaks loose. There are days when no matter what I do it turns sour. Other days are just perfect. As each day ends and I get into bed I am thankful for that day no matter if it was good or bad because I am alive. When I wake up each day I look forward to the day because I am alive. All I can do is take each day as it comes and live each day to it's fullest.
I always dreamed and wanted a "special friend" who I could talk with, not judge me, spend time with, be my "turn to person", be my soul mate, love for a lifetime and I be all this and more to them. I had given up this dream years ago and put it out of my mind thinking it only happen on TV or in movies. Just before I had my first heart attack this person came into my life and changed everything. La Cosa Nostra is a dream come true and a blessing.
I have an outstanding family who I love and loves me. I have outstanding friends who are a great inspiration for me, who I love and who love me.
As I look at the clock an hour and half has passed, soon the family will be getting up to begin their day and I will get back in bed and try to get some more sleep.
Happy dreams and good days to all!
Debbi
dubiquilts@dubiquilts.com (email)
©2006 - 2008 DubiQuilts
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5 comments:
Hard, unsettling times bring introspection and philosophical thoughts. I'm glad there's light to balance out the darkness. I've admired the way you've handled the experiences you've had during the past few months. In a very short time you've gone from a nasty surprise hospital trip to riding your bicycle and expressing your creative spirit again.
I'm sorry about what I'll call "the feeling of impending doom". To some degree, I think it's only natural given the sobering experiences you've had. However, it may also be worth taking into account your stress level and possible side effects of medications. If it turns into an overwhelming feeling that starts to take over your life, it may be worth bringing up to a doctor in case there's more than meets the eye. (I say this because I just had to change a prescription which was making me severely depressed. It was hard to believe those tiny white pills had anything to do with my mood until I went off them.)
It's good to hear you are living each day to the fullest. That's the way life should be lived. It's no use complaining and griping about things that are going wrong, use the energy to make things go right! Wake up every morning with a plan to enjoy the day.
Debbi, I just stopped by to see how things are going with you. I want to say that that "feeling like something bad is going to happen" is probably a product of stress. I'm very prone to feelings of anxiety. When I'm under stress, I get to feeling that way. You have certainly been through a lot of stress in the last few months with your own health and probably for at least a couple of years with you mom's and your cousin's deaths. Do something relaxing: hot baths, soothing music, prayer and meditation, long walks. See if that helps alleviate those awful anxious feelings. I'm praying for you, Debbi. --Susan
Debbi. You are under a lot stress and, like Susan said, everything that has happened to you over the last year or two is beginning to come out as that. It's not going to do your heart any good so may I suggest aromatherapy, long walks, reading and some hand sewing. Have you got a UFO or WiP that you could take out and hand quilt?
I am sorry you have been so stressed you can't sleep. I pray for peace for you.
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