Monday, January 12, 2009

Life In A Hole, Hitting Bottom

I feel as if I have been living in a hole for the past year. Not a bad hole but a hole where I feel comfortable, safe, scared, and confussed sometime all at the same time. I am mostly unmotivated to climb out of the hole to see what's next.

I have a great collecting of fabrics, sewing, quilting, crafting supplies, fantastic sewing machines and a good studio. My studio in is the dinning room of the Bunk and BBQ (AKA my house). A few months ago my family opened our home to a young man who has moved in and a few weeks ago another young man joined us for a short time and is now back to his home. The house has been given the nick name Bunk and BBQ and I am one of the innkeepers. I am not much of an innkeeper so this title really belongs to PB. He is the caregiver for BB, JB and our three dogs. PB does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, feeds the dogs, walks the dogs and is the taxi driver. PB does a great job keeping everything in order at the Bunk and BBQ and still has a real job everyday.

For the holidays I had to clean the studio and convert it back to a dinning room. I boxed my fabrics, supplies and returned the cutting table to a dinning table with chairs. As I walk past the dinning room I am reminded I have a sewing, quilting life but I am unmotivated to create. All I wanted to do is run away so that is what I did.

Just after the holidays I ran away and have been staying at a friends house. This house is where I am comfortable and safe. I miss my family, dogs and my things but I am unmotivated to do anything about it. I know taking the first step will be the hardest but once I take it I only have forward to go. I feel like an addict who has to hit bottom before being able to move forward.

I have been thinking about the past year and I am burned out. I just needed a break from my health problems, doctors, hospitals, family, friends, sewing, quilting, blogging, and my life. 2008 was a year of many changes for myself and everyone who shares my life.

I am very thankful I survived seven heart attacks, six surgeries and six hospital stays. With my family and friends at my side I have survived, made changes for healthier lifestyle, and changes to become a better person. To quote a friend I am a work in progress (WIP).

Speaking of WIPs in 2008 I started five projects and finished three, have two WIPs. Not a good record for a quilter but not bad for a person who spent the year in recovery mode.

I belong to a Jewish Yahoo Online Quilting group and they are starting two new projects and I have been think about joining them. I have to make a decision by January 18Th. I don't want to rush it so I will wait until the last second. I am trying to be motivated but can't convince myself to do so.

I did write this post and will post it so maybe I did it bottom and this is the first bounce forwards.

LCN you are the sun shining at the rim of the hole!

Proud Parent of a U.S. Marine and U.S. Soldier
©2006 - 2008 DubiQuilts


teri springer said...

Debbi, sweetheart, darling- did you know that over 90% of heart patients develop depression? Have you talked to your doctor about this?? YOu sound like me when I forget to take my meds (and sometimes, even when I remember). Please, please, please talk to your doctor!!!



Sweet P said...

Debbi, I've been thinking about you. I suffered from depression last year and was where you are now. As Teri said, get yourself to your doctor and talk with him. He is there to help you. We are here to be your support group. Take care of yourself first. That is the best act you can do right now.

Anonymous said...

Debbi, You have friends here in the bloggy world who care. Sending you a cyber-hug. It couldn't hurt to talk to your doctor, as the others have recommended, it couldn't hurt. You will remain in my thoughts.

Warty Mammal said...

You've been through a meat grinder during the past year, plus the weather may be dreary and there's less sunlight right now. Whatever medications you're on may have side effects, as well.

I think it's not at all surprising that you're being dogged by depression, and your getting a change of scene was a brilliant thing to do. I'd also like to second (or fourth?) others' suggestions to bring this up to your doctor. It's important.

Wishing you the best -

julieQ said...

YOu have certainly had a tough one for sure. Heart disease is a confidence killer. I think a chat with your doc might be good. Please know you have many friends who are behind you when you are ready.